It Was Her, Wasn't It?
by notnicorette
Summary: Bellamy thinks he has something important figured out. Clarke quickly sets him straight.


A/N: I can't believe I even have to say this anymore, but...this fic is anti-CL. Don't like it? Don't read it.

Basically, there was a stupid Twitter poll about who Clarke's first "real love" was, and I got into a discussion with a friend about different kinds of love (puppy love, real love, true love, etc) and what they all mean.

So, basically...blame Erin for this, as you should with a lot of my fics.

P.S. Thanks to Heater for beta-ing, as usual.

* * *

 _7 years ago_

Bellamy hadn't meant to eavesdrop…really, he hadn't.

But he'd been sitting on a tree stump, trying to get a ridiculously large and ridiculously painful rock out of his boot tread, when he'd heard something making its way through the forest rather loudly.

He'd instantly been on guard, his body tensing and reaching for the hatchet at his side…until he heard his sister's voice.

He stood up, ready to call to her, only to stop short when he saw Octavia, Clarke, and Harper all heading toward the river a few feet away, clearly intent on bathing, if the tank top Harper had already taken off and dropped on a rock near the river's edge was any indication.

His first instinct was to leave, because of course he didn't want to be a creep, but then he realized that he'd have to take an extremely long and round-about path to get back to camp if he didn't want the girls to see him, which would inevitably end up with a lot of squealing, some screaming, and some accusations, probably from the Princess, about how he'd been spying on them, which couldn't be further from the truth.

He waffled back and forth between hiding out until they were done, walking an extra mile around the rock covered hill in front of him, or taking his chances with the girls, who sounded like they were in the water, if the splashing was any indication.

If the giggling was any indication, it also seemed like they'd had a little of Monty's moonshine before they'd ventured out to wash up.

In the end, it was his realization that they'd apparently come out here without any weapons and without anyone to watch their backs that made him decide to stay, hidden in the trees a dozen yards or so away from the river, trying to protect their privacy as much as possible, since all he could see was a canopy of green when he stayed seated, but close enough that he could hear if an animal or a grounder threatened them.

He leaned against the tree behind him, closing his eyes and deciding to take a moment of semi-relaxation where he could get it.

That lasted for all of three minutes, until his sister said something that made his eyes pop open in horror.

"Do you guys believe in true love?" Octavia asked, her voice slightly hesitant.

"Of course I do," Harper answered immediately.

"Yeah?" Octavia responded.

"Yeah! Butterflies in your stomach and sweaty palms and just…magic when they kiss you. I believe it exists. I don't know that we all find it in our lifetimes, but…I like to think it's out there. I hope it is," Harper said, her voice getting a little wistful near the end. "This is about Atom, isn't it?"

"Maybe," Octavia answered quietly, "I just…I've never had the chance to have a crush or anything, obviously…and I'm just…trying to figure out what this feeling is for sure. And I've read so many books that make it seem like there's one true love out there for everyone, but now that I'm actually interacting with guys…I don't know how I feel about that."

Bellamy cringed, knowing he should definitely not be hearing this…not _wanting_ to hear this, and he was about three seconds away from tiptoeing his way out of his hiding spot and starting the long path back to camp…when he heard his sister's voice again.

"What about you, Clarke? You never said. Do you believe everyone has one true love?"

Against all his better judgment, Bellamy stayed right where he was, for some reason very interested in her answer.

"I don't know," Clarke huffed, as if a bit annoyed.

"Oh, come on, Clarke! I gave my answer!" Harper cajoled.

"Yeah! Come on! I need insight from people who've actually interacted with other humans they weren't related to!" Octavia insisted.

That must've been what convinced her, because Bellamy heard Clarke's voice after a moment of hesitation.

"I think…we all only get one epic love," she admitted.

"Epic love? Is that different than true love?" Octavia asked.

"I don't know. True love is…hard. Cause sometimes, when you're in the middle of it, you _think_ it's true, right? But then, you look back a year later and realize it wasn't. Maybe your feelings weren't all that genuine, or maybe you find out the other person's weren't. And what about people who have their true love die, especially when they're young? Are they just supposed to believe they're done…no being with anyone else because they already had it once?"

"Okay. That makes sense," Harper admitted.

"I think…true love is mostly about hindsight. If you can look back, years later, and you still think it was genuine and pure…or if you stay with that person for a really long time, and it always keeps feeling genuine…then it was true love. But then, really…I guess some people could have more than one of those."

Bellamy tilted his head, a little surprised at the candor and honesty coming from the princess's mouth.

It was nice to know that someone who was usually so no-nonsense had a little bit of romance in her after all.

"Okay, so what's this 'epic love' thing you're talking about?" Octavia asked, eager, as always.

"I don't even know how to…" Clarke huffed, a bit of the annoyance back in her voice. "Okay, you know how sometimes, when you're watching a movie or reading a book, and something happens to keep the people apart or whatever…it feels like your heart _hurts_?"

" _Yes!_ " Harper practically screamed. "The _freaking_ Notebook!"

Clarke chuckled, "Yeah. Like 'The freaking Notebook'."

There was a bit of silence, in which Octavia must have had an oblivious look on her face, because she then said, "What?! I only ever got to watch movies with my brother, and it was either some car racing flick or some documentary about the Roman Empire. I have no idea what you're talking about."

Clarke snorted. "The thought of your brother watching 'The Notebook'…"

Bellamy rolled his eyes as the girls trailed off into giggles.

"Anyway," Clarke said a moment later. "I think we only get one love that makes us feel like _that_. Cause I mean…butterflies and sweaty palms and stuff are great…but I feel like that happens a lot? A cute guy in class we want to pick us to partner with for a biology assignment, or the cute girl you have to pay in the check-out line at the commissary…sometimes it's just a crush, sometimes it's just chemistry…maybe sometimes it does end up being love…but I feel like a lot of the time, it's just nerves and biology and attraction."

"Fiiine. Just destroy my illusions," said Harper jokingly.

Clarke apparently started to apologize, because Harper laughed and said, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Keep going! I've decided I want whatever you're talking about, if you'd just freaking finish telling us."

There was a bit of splashing and some more giggling, and then Clarke finally continued. "I just think…I don't think it's always perfect. I don't think it's always easy, because you both care too much. And sometimes…I think it's freaking _painful_. Don't get me wrong, I think it's amazing when it works out, but I think there has to be some…I don't know… _longing_ or just…fear of not being with them or…something."

"So, you're trying to tell me that love hurts?" Octavia asked, a bit of disbelief in her voice.

"I don't know. It's probably just the moonshine talking. Forget it," Clarke said, and Bellamy could almost picture her rolling her eyes and turning away, closing herself off the way she did whenever she revealed too much.

"No…I get it," Harper said quietly. "That Notebook feeling…that ache in your chest…you should get that sometimes when you think about that person…that's how you know how much they matter to you."

"Yeah. Something like that," Clarke admitted quietly.

The girls were a bit more subdued after that, barely talking as they finished up and headed back to camp a few minutes later.

Bellamy stayed where he was long after they'd left, Clarke's words running through his mind over and over again, like a broken record.

 _Present Day_

Clarke returned from the river, where she'd been washing her hands, to find Bellamy where she'd left him, just inside the tree line.

He'd come back to Earth with the rest of her friends nearly three weeks ago, and although he'd been beyond ecstatic to find her alive…and he'd even been obviously reluctant to let her out of his sight since…things were also a bit awkward between them.

Because how did you go from being so in-tune with someone, you sometimes felt like you shared the same heartbeat, to finding a completely new person in front of you…someone who'd experienced six entire years without you?

Clarke had had impossibly strong feelings for him when he'd left, but she'd always been too scared to say anything, and those feelings had somehow grown over the time she'd been forced to spend without him, and once she'd seen him again, they'd grown even more, hitting her with the force of around seventeen Rovers.

But if she was scared to admit how she felt before…it was nothing compared to how she felt now.

The Bellamy from six years ago?

She'd have put money on him feeling the same way about her.

But this Bellamy?

The Bellamy who'd lived six years away from her?

She wasn't sure _what_ he was thinking.

And now, when she found him with her rifle in hand, studying the names she'd carved into the strap, she again wondered what was going through that head of his.

It bothered her more than a little that, six years ago, she would've already known.

"What are you thinking?" she asked softly, because she couldn't handle it anymore. She wanted to know everything about him again.

He didn't glance up from the rifle. "I guess she was your epic love, huh?" he asked quietly, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Clarke's brow furrowed in confusion. "What?" she asked, glancing down to find his finger skimming over one of the names.

 _Lexa_.

"She was your one epic love, right?" he asked, finally glancing up at her, and she could've _sworn_ that his eyes were impossibly sad…maybe even a little angry.

"Bellamy…what are you even talking about?"

He huffed in annoyance, finally setting the rifle back against the tree where she'd left it. "Do you not remember your own theory? About how everyone only gets one 'epic love' that's so intense it hurts?"

A vague memory of her and a few other girls, splashing around in a river very similar to the one behind her while tipsy on Monty's moonshine, started coming back to her. "You…you heard that?"

He nodded, his eyes watching her carefully.

"God, I was what? Seventeen or eighteen? What did I know? It was probably just the moonshine talking, Bellamy."

He contemplated that for a moment before finally answering, "No, it wasn't," with a calm certainty.

Clarke exhaled loudly, rolling her eyes a little. "Okay, fine. It wasn't. Can we go back to hunting now? This is ridiculous," she insisted, starting to walk toward her rifle.

"Clarke, I…please?" Bellamy asked, reaching out to take her arm to stop her. "I need to know. It was her, wasn't it?" he asked, and Clarke could _swear_ she could hear a bit of desperation in his voice.

She stopped, glancing down at his hand, which still had a gentle grip on her arm, before finally looking up at his face. "No, Bellamy. It wasn't her."

He dropped her arm then, his face becoming a bit sharper in his confusion. "But you…I heard you tell your mom you loved her. I mean, you were willing to stay in Polis to be with her. And obviously you miss her," he said, gesturing toward the name carved into the rifle strap. "What could be more epic than that, right?" he asked, his voice hardening.

Clarke hesitated for a moment, trying to decide how to word what she needed to say.

"Bellamy…epic love isn't just…being sad that someone died."

He watched her, expression unchanged.

"It isn't a few weeks of attraction or…respect for someone's strength," she said, and when he didn't even blink, she followed that up with, "And it certainly isn't being terrified and feeling so _so_ guilty that you abandon everyone you care about because you think you need to try to live your life a different way. _That's_ not the epic love I talked about all those years ago, Bellamy."

He swallowed audibly, his chest moving in and out quickly with shallow breaths, as if he could feel all the oxygen being sucked out of the atmosphere the same way she could. "Then what is it, Clarke?"

Clarke closed her eyes, letting out a deep breath.

It felt like she and Bellamy were at the point of no return now, and that pain she'd once described to Octavia? She could feel it gripping her heart like a vice.

She opened her eyes, letting them land on the man in front of her…the man she'd loved for so long, she couldn't remember a time when she didn't.

"It's that feeling you get in your chest…that _ache_ that consumes you when you can't be with them…when you aren't sure you'll ever see them again," she said, somehow quietly but forcefully all at once, her emotion giving her words strength. "And sometimes…sometimes that ache is there when that person is standing right in front of you…because you want them _so badly_ …but you're afraid," she admitted, her eyes starting to fill with unshed tears. "You're _so_ afraid, Bellamy. Because what if they don't feel the same way? What if you ruin the most important relationship you've ever had with anyone in your entire life? Or what if they get taken away from you again?" she asked, her last question leaving her voice shaking.

In fact, her entire body seemed to be shaking, and she could hear the blood rushing through her ears, but she couldn't seem to stop now.

"That kind of love…it is painful. Because you love that person so much, it fucking _hurts_ ," she finished on a half sob.

She stood there, her chest practically heaving with the labored breaths she was taking after spilling her soul, and she watched him.

He hadn't taken his eyes from her the entire time, and there seemed to be some kind of vortex forming between them, a pull that wouldn't let them look away from each other, even if they wanted to.

"Have you ever felt that, Bellamy?" she finally asked, because why stop now?

His jaw twitched, and she thought he was going to answer her, but then, before she could even take a breath, he was striding toward her, his hands cradling her face and his lips capturing hers with an urgency that left her light-headed.

She gasped, grabbing onto his arms and holding on for dear life as he kissed her with an intensity she'd only dreamed about.

She kissed him back just as fiercely, pouring every ounce of longing…every ounce of that wonderfully painful love she'd talked about into it.

They kissed for ages, eventually ending up against the tree because neither of them could quite keep themselves upright anymore.

It wasn't some lustful attempt to rid each other of clothing, it wasn't something born just of physical need…it was a kiss of longing…of love and pain and adoration and _seven years_ of waiting.

By the time Bellamy finally pulled away, leaving a final, gentle kiss on her lips, she was breathless and dizzy and alive in a way she didn't think she'd ever felt before.

And her chest?

It still hurt, but in a wonderful, wonderful way.

Bellamy skimmed kisses across her cheek, eventually ending up at her temple, where he let out a shaky breath, his arms tightening even further around her waist as he answered a question she'd almost forgotten she'd asked.

"Yeah, Princess. I'm pretty sure I've felt that."


End file.
